Looking back, it's absolutely ridiculous to think of Hulk Hogan as some sort of mainstream Hollywood star. I suppose at the time it made much more sense; after all, his huge rise in the 80s began with his role in Rocky III and his charisma and stage presence made him seemingly an ideal actor. But he never could be anything other than Hulk Hogan, no matter what character he was asked to play and his enormous ego convinced him that he always needed to be the biggest star, no matter what. That being said, Hogan could've been the greatest actor in the world and that wouldn't have been enough to save No Holds Barred, Vince's latest attempt to create crossover success for the WWF. The film itself attempted to be the peak of campy 80s action schlock, and missed the boat entirely, instead collapsing into a jumbled mess that only the most diehard Hogan fans could enjoy. No Holds Barred's failures couldn't even be contained to itself, as in a painfully desperate ploy to increase interest before it's release, Vince decided to bring in Hogan's antagonist from the film, Zeus, played by Tiny Lister. This feud was always incredibly confusing to me, as Zeus, who as a reminder was a fictional character from a movie and not a real actor, was apparently jealous of Hogan getting the top billing for the film. Then Randy Savage got thrown in because he just can't escape Hogan's planet sized shadow, and we somehow got a tag team match for the main event of this show. Some mysteries aren't meant to be solved.
- We do have a very rare commentary team on this night, as Tony Schiavone replaces Gorilla Monsoon in the booth opposite Jesse Ventura. It's only one of two pay-per-views that Schiavone ever called for the WWF, and he's mostly fine, more energetic than Gorilla but lacking a bit in the charisma department.
- Holy sh**, what a way to open a show as the first match of the night sees the Hart Foundation take on the Brain Busters in what promises to be an absolute show stealer. This match is exceptional, obviously, especially when Bret Hart and Arn Anderson are in there. I loved the offense delivered by the faces in this one, as Bret has some very unique counter grappling and Neidhart's power moves always look great. One thing I thought about watching this match is just how much the Hart Foundation are allowed to do now that they're faces, as it does seem like the company does intentionally limit the arsenal for every heel. Arn and Tully mostly just kick and punch, while Bret and Jim pop the crowd with a double team inverted suplex and a terrific springboard assisted shoulder thrust by "The Anvil", always a great spot. The heels sneak a win after Arn delivers a top rope double axe handle to Hart, winning a match that was actually non-title in spite of the Busters being the champions.
- Up next, we get the WWF pay-per-view debut of Dusty Rhodes, as he takes on the Honky Tonk Man. Dusty's attire and character in the WWF have always been controversial, and while I would've appreciated it if the company had taken him a little bit more seriously, there's no denying that fun loving polka dotted "American Dream" was over, at least in East Rutherford. The crowd is big into Dusty in the opening minutes, before piping down when Honky goes on offense. The heel beatdown goes way too long, and I can't help feeling like this match would've been better as a squash. Dusty makes his comeback, dodging a guitar shot from Jimmy Hart who connects with Honky instead, letting Rhodes pick up a big win over the former IC champ.
- There is some potential to be found our next match, as Mr. Perfect takes on The Red Rooster. Before the action can really get going, though, it's over, as the Perfectplex connects after 3 minutes and Mr. Perfect's winning steak continues. Apparently the match was so short because of a legit injury to Terry Taylor's knee, which would put him on the shelf for a couple months afterward. I thought both men handled the injury well and adjust seamlessly on the fly, the mark of two true pros.
- It's the first of two six man tag teams match on the night, as Rick Martel teams up with the Fabulous Rougeaus to face former partner Tito Santana and The Rockers. This match has a very hot start, as Santana, Michaels and Jannetty clean house, a really excellent babyface trio. The action does slow down for a little too long during the heel beatdown and build-up to the hot tag, but when Tito manages to tag Shawn in, his babyface fire is incredible, tossing guys everywhere. It was very interesting to see Shawn already beginning to use some of the mannerisms and body language that would later make him a star while he's playing to the crowd, that kind of thing really makes watching these older shows worthwhile. Martel is really being pushed as the hot new heel on the block, and he gets the pin on Marty after a Jimmy Hart distraction to end a fun match.
- It's time for the true main event of the evening, as Rick Rude defends the Intercontinental Championship against The Ultimate Warrior in a WrestleMania 5 rematch. I personally really enjoyed that match, though it did rely a bit too much on restholds and Warrior was a little sloppy. This match is much cleaner and better paced, and it just might be the best of Warrior's career. The crowd is really into everything, especially during the opening exchange, which sees Warrior toss Rude onto the floor and hit him with the belt, which really should've been a DQ. Rude eventually gets in some offense and gets a couple near falls, including one off a piledriver and one from a move that sorted of looked like a Tombstone Piledriver that was incredibly nasty. Unfortunately, the finish isn't entirely clean, as Roddy Piper(currently feuding with Rude) makes his way to ringside, distracting Rude by lifting up his kilt and showing his a** to a massive pop. Warrior follows up by getting the win with his running splash, and while I wish we could've gotten a more decisive ending, Piper's interference was really over so I can't complain too much.
- In the second six man tag team match, Jim Duggan(recently crowned King after defeating Haku) teams with Demolition to defeat Andre the Giant and the Twin Towers. This was nowhere near as good as the previous six man tag, but even if the action was sloppy, it was at least fun to watch big guys slam into each other.
- The most boring match of the night sees Greg Valentine get a win over Hercules in a match more about Ronnie Garvin's feud with "The Hammer". Garvin takes over ring announcing duties from Howard Finkel before the match, trying his best to deliver some sick burns to Valentine on the mic. The crowd did at least cheer for one or two of his corny jokes, but I feel like that was more out of pity than anything. After a glacial 3 minutes of wrestling, Valentine wins by putting his feet on the ropes, though Garvin insists Herc won by DQ, so I don't think he's getting the announcing job back.
- Jimmy Snuka returned to the WWF at WrestleMania 5, but it was just a random cameo appearance that wasn't important enough for me to mention in my review. He's facing Ted DiBiase here and on paper, this seems like it could be a pretty entertaining match. Unfortunately, Snuka's best days are behind him by this point and it doesn't seem like the company has done enough to make the fans care for him, as they mostly just sit on their hands during this bout. Ted gets the win by count-out with help from Virgil, leading to the man servant taking a Superfly Splash after the match, and at least that got a pop.
- Main event time, and I just can't bring myself to care. This match involves fictional character Zeus from a movie that had already flopped hard by this point, a complete midcard joke in Brutus Beefcake and a dead feud that reached it's zenith months prior between Savage and Hogan. The most entertaining aspect of any of this garbage came in an incredible backstage segment with Savage, Zeus and their manager Sensational Sherri, who is now a witch for absolutely no reason and has a cauldron that can tell the future, apparently. It's some real campy nonsense, but at least it kept Zeus from trying to wrestle. Alright, fine, I'll talk about the match. It's okay, there, I said it. The crowd is really into it and Hogan and Savage still have a lot of chemistry working against each other even if much of the heat is gone. Miss Elizabeth is at ringside, but her interfering days are in the past. Zeus wasn't that bad I suppose, Tiny Lister is a capable actor and sells his character well. Hogan wins, because of course he does, but it isn't completely clean, as he used Sherri's loaded purse to attack Zeus before the bodyslam and winning leg drop. Afterward, Hogan and Elizabeth knockout Sherri, and Beefcake cuts off part of her long braid, which admittedly isn't very heroic, you really needed two big wrestlers to beatdown one woman? Look, this match always had a limit on how good it realistically could be, and it at least succeeded in giving the fans something to cheer about. I'm just so glad that I don't have to review the later tie-in of the rematch plus the movie, because that's not technically a full wrestling pay-per-view. Hooray!
5/10
Man, this show has two very different halves. The first half was incredible, the Hart/Busters tag match, Dusty Rhodes and The Rockers being great babyfaces and the outstanding Rude/Warrior rematch. The second half completely ran out of steam and ended in one of the strangest pay-per-view main events in company history. Based on that finale, I would be inclined to score this show much lower, but the crowd in the Meadowlands Arena really saved it. They were just so into pretty much everything all night, and that's always great to see. Big props to everyone who attended this show, you made it so much easier to enjoy watching and I'm sure it was a great time.
Next time on Henry's Pay-Per-View Reviews: Survivor Series 1989, featuring The Ultimate Warrior teaming up with Jim Neidhart and The Rockers to face the Heenan Family. Plus more Hogan and Zeus, yay. See you soon.
- Henry
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